Therapy – Couples

We are all wired for connection.  I believe this is what makes relationships and especially our intimate partner relationship so very important.  We are all looking for what Dr. Dan Seigel, psychiatrist, psychotherapist and author calls the “4 S’s; to feel seen, soothed, safe and secure”. How we attached in relationships growing up and in our lives before our partner, affects how we connect in our relationship in the here and now. The degree to which we received the 4 S’s is an essential part of how we are able and not able, to connect with each other.  The more we know, understand and accept our strengths and challenges the more we are motivated and able to shift and change to support our partner and in turn, enhance our relationship. Interestingly enough, we also evolve as individuals at the very same time.

It is my belief that intimate partner relationships in and of themselves do not complete us or ensure our happiness.  What they can do, is allow us the opportunity to support each other in becoming the best version of ourselves. And that is wonderful synergy!  A by-product of all of this; increased contentment, satisfaction and fulfillment.

There are times in our relationships when the support of a therapist provides an objective perspective, a wider lens. This in turn allows couples to step back and make sense of the repetitive cycle or ‘dance’ that they are stuck in.  As a relationship therapist, I assist both partners to focus on their own contributions to the strengths and the roadblocks in the relationship. I help them look at their patterns of relating, their dance together, their relationship.  Being able to see the relationship as its own ‘entity’, is a new and helpful way of understanding things. I feel that it helps couples move away from blame, resentment, withdrawal and animosity. 

I focus and support the couple to develop the needed attitude, skills and strategies to improve their communication, strengthen their interactions and grow their level of intimacy. Bringing an open and curious mindset and focusing on how to truly listen to your partner is an important part of the work.  Helping couples navigate the waters of asking for what they need in a way that invites their partner in, rather than creating a defensive reaction, is another important ingredient. From the work of couple’s therapist, John Gottman, I support the couple to find ways to “turn towards” each other in times of conflict and distress. This helps the couple avoid “turning away”, (distancing and withdrawing) from each other or “turning against”, (defensive and angry) each other.

As a therapist I have great respect for couples who are willing to do the vulnerable work of relationship therapy.  It takes courage, commitment and patience to stay the course and ultimately reap the benefits of a closer and more fulfilling relationship.